March 18, 2014
David Moyes wants to knock Manchester United “off our f**king perch”.

One of Alex Ferguson’s most famous quotes involved knocking Liverpool off their perch on top of English football hierarchy.

He accomplished that by amassing a flurry of trophies and by the end of his reign, Liverpool couldn’t even qualify for the Europa League. Manchester United had usurped the Merseysiders as the biggest name in English football.

Now Ferguson’s successor, David Moyes wants to give someone the opportunity to take over United’s position.

"It’s only fair, United have been on top for so long, it’s become a bit stale", said Moyes in his post-game interview. "It’s time we knocked ourselves of our f**king perch. You can print that, but don’t tell Sir Alex".

It’s not just the the EPL’s big teams that United is losing too, Moyes is a big proponent of league equality, so he has allowed the likes of West Brom, Fullham and Swansea to take points of United at Old Trafford.

"Old Trafford used to be an intimidating cauldron when I was Everton. But now, its nice to see opposing players leave with a smile on their face"

Other Headlines

Unbelievable! Lionel Messi misses a sitter! He also scored a hat-trick and became all-time Barcelona leading scorer.

Alex Ferguson to stay away from Old Trafford to prevent depressing camera shots.

Roman wants a refund! Chelsea owner furious after learning about $2 million bribe to land Qatar 2022 World Cup. He spent $20 million to land 2018 edition in Russia.

March 16, 2014
Liverpool’s kits proves that football fans will buy anything

Warrior, Liverpool’s new American sponsor of kits, revealed today that it relied on a unique design theory for the club’s away and third kits.

"We had freedom with the design of those two kits, but since didn’t have experience with the UK market, we came up with some innovative design techniques", said design engineer Jack Clark.

"We had chickens walk on a whiteboard with paint on their claws and used that pattern on the away kits”, said Clark.

After realizing the kits were still selling, Warrior was imbued to find more innovative ideas.

"I had my 3-year old son design the third kit and used colors with no ties to Liverpool to see how far we could go". That process resulted in a tri-color design that ranks up there with the worst kits ever designed.

"We would never be able to sell these atrocities in any other market, but thankfully Liverpool fans are quite receptive."

March 14, 2014
Wenger’s Mind Games! A new side to the Arsenal coach.

The official story states that  Arsenal flew out Ryo Miyaichi only to realize he was inelegible. How could Arsene Wenger, reknown for his intellect, make such an amateur mistake? Because it was all part of Wenger’s master plan.

"I wanted Guardiola to think that Arsenal were so confident of beating Bayern, that we purposely didn’t bring a full squad", said Wenger.

Wenger, already without his first-choice goalie, also used a weakened line-up to lull Munich into a trap. “Ozil had an injured hamstring and Giroud came back to the team hotel at 4 AM, exactly as I planned.”

It clearly destabilized Bayern, as the Bavarians resorted to simply passing the ball around Arsenal, fearfully hogging possession to a tune of 64%. Luckily, they escaped with a draw and knocked Arsenal out of the Champions League, but Wenger will continue his new strategy to get inside the heads of opposition managers.

Earlier this year, he lambasted Jose Mourinho for being afraid of failure. “I haven’t won any trophies since 2005 and have lost countless finals since then”, said Wenger. “That proves I’m not afraid to lose.”

Since 2005, Mourinho has won the Champions league, 4 league titles and many other cups in 3 different leagues. “He likes to count the 1st place trophies, but what about the 4th place trophies?”.

After the taunt, Mourinho’s Chelsea has also risen to the top of the table in the England, knocking Arsenal to third. But Wenger is willing to wait until May to see who has the last laugh.

"If Chelsea is a little horse, then Arsenal is a donkey".

March 11, 2014
Lost in Translation! Shinji Kagawa can’t keep up with Moyes’s constant instructions.

Many United fans, the entire nation of Japan and Dortmund coach Jurgen Klopp are perplexed at the lack of playing time Shinji Kagawa has received this year under David Moyes, especially as United struggle. But Kagawa shed light on the reason in a recent discussion with United insider sources.

"Moyes is constantly yelling directions and gesticulating during the game", revealed Kagawa. "At least Fergie would just sit there and chew gum. But with Moyes, I don’t know if he wants me to go forward, stay put or track back".

Kagawa’s also revealed communication issues with his other English teammates. “I’ll tell Carrick to play a one-two and he passes it backwards. It’s worse with Cleverley, I tell him something and he always ends up kicking it out of play”.

Kagawa’s hoping the daily English lessons with Wayne Rooney will improve his chemistry with his teammates.

March 10, 2014
David Luiz was controlling Tottenham defenders with Playstation controller

Tottenham’s defenders made calamitous mistakes leading up to all 4 goals yesterday’s in Chelsea’s 4-0 win, but Gary Neville thinks there’s a perfectly reasonable reason. “David Luiz was on the sideline controlling them with a Playstation controller”, claimed Neville after the match. “I can see no other reason why Kyle Walker would head the ball back to his goalie from the half-way line”.

Other Headlines

"I would have never started Demichelis" Mancini hits back at City and Pellegrini after FA Cup loss.

"Avoiding relegation is a trophy". Moyes lays claim to his first piece of silverware after United’s win.

"We’ve been handed a tough draw playing the defending champions". No, its not Bayern Munich, Wenger plays down FA Cup chances against Wigan to brace Arsenal fans for inevitable disaster.

March 9, 2014
Fellow old folks infuriated by Samuel Eto’s old person celebration

Samuel Eto’o might have been mocking Jose Mourinho, but he also raised fury among Chelsea’s senior fan contingent.

"Sammy’s an old fella like us, so we all thought he was in real pain", said 80-year old Roger White.  White’s son Shane, later informed him that it was a goal celebration.

"For too long, these young kids have been stereotyping old people, so to have one of our own mock us, that was a slap in the face!", exclaimed White.

Some geriatrics didn’t understand the reference. “I’ve never had back pain because I do pilates. If he had demonstrated erectile disfunction, then I would have got it,” said Jack Charles, a spry 65 year old.

Eto’o also might have  just uncovered a new potential revenue stream for Chelsea.

"That cane he was holding looked real nice, a little too tall, but the flag is a nice touch", said Charles.

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